Acknowledge Change

My company rolled out a re-org this week, and it included some surprising layoffs of people I’m very close to. Among those of us still at the company, the changes affect everyone, but they happen to affect me more than most.

My boss has been very kind, supportive, and flexible as I’ve worked through the emotions associated with the changes, which have included tears, grumpiness, and a struggle to focus on work.

As the days passed and my head started to clear, I’ve wondered whether my experience holds any lessons for you, another project manager seeking to grow, about how to interact with team members and stakeholders when they’re affected by major changes—either within the company or in their personal lives.

One of the things my boss has done well is to emphasize that she wants to support me in the ways I need it. She says her instinct is to check on me frequently, but that she will happily back off if what I need is space, and she’ll adapt her support when my needs evolve. She is doing a great job modelling how to offer support with the underlying assumption that everyone grieves and adapts to change differently.

So given that everyone’s experience and needs are so different, can I even recommend any actions you should consistently take in these scenarios, beyond carrying the same assumptions my boss does and embracing others’ needs in their uniqueness?

I do think there’s one step I’ll be committed to after my experience this week. I think you would do well to embrace it also: when I face the choice between acknowledging the change or grief that is affecting a coworker, or going on like nothing has happened, I am now sure that I will err on the side of acknowledging it.

Every acknowledgement I’ve received this week has been appreciated. And when I’ve been in meetings and around people who haven’t acknowledged the change, I feel more isolated, angry, and distant. Something big happened, and when people go on as if nothing happened, I experience it as coldness.

I get when my coworkers are afraid to say something to me, because they are probably afraid to say the wrong thing. In the past, I would have 100% been in their shoes and avoided such comments for the same reasons. About a year ago, a coworker’s husband died. I remembered wanting to say something but being afraid to because I didn’t know her well, so I didn’t feel like I could come up with a comment that would be anywhere in the ballpark of helpful. I didn’t know what I’d do if she cried or yelled. And maybe it would be easier for her if I didn’t bring it up, I reasoned.

Maybe some people do prefer not talking about major changes, as noted earlier that everyone has different needs. But here’s why I regret not taking that risk: a month or two after she was back to work, I suddenly had to work with her very closely on a project that was particularly likely to trigger her emotions, because her husband had played a role in this project in the past. And it became much more awkward to acknowledge her pain later than if I’d pushed through the slight awkwardness of doing it right away.

I think the key is that you don’t have to—perhaps shouldn’t—say very many words. Avoid explaining your own awkwardness about saying something. Avoid even trying to say something “helpful;” this is where you’re more likely to say the wrong thing.

Just acknowledge the thing that happened and say you’re really sorry.

Full stop. That’s all that’s needed.

You could ask if there’s anything you can do to help, but that’s optional.

Just do it pretty early after the thing happens, before you’re in a situation where you have to ask the person about work. A text or instant message is probably better than waiting for a chance encounter.

Then they will tell you what they need. Or not. But because you’ve acknowledged it, the door is open to their struggle and they don’t need to feel isolated. They aren’t alone anymore with the elephant in the room. And if they’re anything like me, they might even be able to focus on work better after your comments.

If a coworker is going through something and you’re nervous about what to say, that’s totally understandable. But the benefits of pushing through the mild awkwardness and acknowledging their struggle in a brief way are many. Maybe you can help them today. Maybe they’ll feel less alone. Maybe they’ll know they can ask you for help later. Or maybe you’ll just earn a bit of trust and build a stronger team—one that’s more likely to follow your leadership because they know you care.